Interview with a Misogynist

Remember when I wrote an angry rant about how some men think it’s appropriate to use online dating sites as platforms to debate feminism? Well, it happened again.

I recently saw a blog post where someone had taken screen shots of a very racist exchange on OkCupid, and I decided to respond and do the same. Below is the entire exchange, from start to finish.

It seems like this guy messaged me because he wanted to debate abortion rights, but it quickly shifted into a conversation about feminism, the difference between “good women” and “cunts,” and under what circumstances women “owe” men sex.

At first you can see that my responses are snarky. As this conversation progressed, however, I realized that this was an interesting opportunity to interview someone who was very obviously a misogynist. At certain points I was worried that he might catch on to what I was doing and get frustrated that I wasn’t fighting back, but luckily he didn’t seem to. At a certain point, I had had enough and ended the conversation with a “Smile! You’re on candid feminist camera!”

It was interesting to see how he was sensitive to accusations of being “pro-rape” and also (sortof) went back on his original statements when I pushed him to consider them more closely.

I’m curious to see what you think of this exchange.

Fair warning: Bad grammar, foul language and very foul ideas ahead.

A final note: I suppose I could have taken the time to Photoshop his OkC username out and blur his picture …. but there are 21 screenshots and that would be a lot of work. Also, he called me a cunt, so I didn’t.

Here I asked him to differentiate between women and “cunts.”

22 thoughts on “Interview with a Misogynist

  1. Epic win there. Not to bodysnark, but ever notice how often unattractive men (nice douchetastic goatee and fedora combo, buddy) so often feel “entitled” to attractive women? ‘Tis bizarre.

  2. What is a woman’s job? and interestingly the douchtastic goatee sporting boy has not considered it his job to create a environment of desire for the woman. methinks his anger comes from his ineptitude. his rationalization for prostitute addiction a cover for incapacity to relate to human beings. he is frighteningly neanderthally.

    • Yeah, the prostitute part of it was a little jarring. I wonder how much of that scenario he created (woman stops wanting to have sex after a number of years) has played a role in his life.

  3. Well he walked straight into that one! I think that gives you a pretty good picture of a potential rapist. Take attitudes like that. Add potent rage. Stew for several years. Mix. Result = terrifying.

    I feel – threatened, contaminated, revolted, angered, intrigued, contaminated, scared, burdened, invaded.

    Do what degree is it even worth trying to engage with that, for what reasons and at what cost to ourselves? I don’t know.

    Admiration for the interviewer (you did a brilliant job teasing him out with calm persistent questions having such abuse thrown at you.) Sadness/compassion for him (what does it feel like to walk around burdened by such hate?) (though have to dig deep to find that one). Fear and sadness for those he has come into contact with. Fear as a woman.

    Intrigue: would like to know more. On the link between his attitudes/inarticulacy and his rage. On the (real) source of his rage. By which I mean experiences and thinking patterns. OK yes he (no doubt) chooses to blame women as the source of all of his problems. But why? Doubt even he is aware of it consciously, or if he is, can express it.

    More to the point, would like to know whether those attitudes can be challenged and that hatred transformed. And if so, how. Would like to think yes – otherwise pretty hopeless for humanity. And for him.

    Would not like to be the one to do it. Bad enough just reading that. Need to go remind myself of light in the world now and the fact that not everyone, thank God, thinks and feels and acts like this one.

    • Thank you for your kind words! It was definitely one of those situations where I realized that this type of sexism should be made public – so people can see that IT DOES EXIST.

      I feel like so many of us end up with a “bubble effect” because we naturally surround ourselves with loving, liberal, evolved people and forget that guys like him still exist and have relationships with women. What that must be like for the woman, I can only imagine…

    • A lot of respect for your comment. It can be difficult to have compassion. For me, it was clear throughout that he wasn’t talking about a hypothetical situation. There was a clear subtext that he was drawing on personal experience. Something has made him blame women for his own feelings of inadequacy, and it’s stewed into a rage.

      I’d be intrigued to know how/why he went in three posts from ‘hey there’ to ‘cunt’ with nothing in between!

      It’s so difficult to argue with anything like that — to try to gently introduce the ideas that

      1. Women have a right to enjoy sex as well
      2. It is not a woman’s responsibility/’job’ to provide sex like a ‘cow’
      3. Relationships are give and take on all grounds, it is not a partnership where ‘you take some responsibilities and I take the others’.
      4. In order to make anything work, one must be ready to accept fault when one does something wrong and have the emotional maturity to work it out.

      Men who think like this just seem incapable of having a healthy adult relationship!

  4. wow. if ever a guy needed to be branded on the forehead with “Do Not Breed” this is it! i am tickled that OKCupid somehow figured this unflushed turd was 88% compatible with you… or anyone with a vagina at all.

    • Ugh, I know. This has totally made me question OkCupid’s methods. Maybe the dude just didn’t answer very many questions? That’s what I’m hoping anyway – I don’t want to believe that their system could be SO off-base.

  5. Wow… I only figured that these kind of males existed. It’s pretty said at how narrow minded this guy is. I wonder WHY he has all that hate and anger, no to mention who taught him to harness all of that hatred. I hope that when he gets a job, he has a lady for a boss.

  6. Jeez. Way to make all guys everywhere (especially on okcupid) look bad, bro. Though I did find the “I love women, but I disklike C***s” line a bit telling. Had it been me in conversation with him, I probably would’ve followed that up with “so you only f*** women in the a**, then? What does that say about you?”

    Sadly, a few times in the article I found myself imagining how I could guess at what he might have been trying to say and relate that point effectively and non-offensively. It would go a little something like this: It’s true that men frequently get frustrated when they find themselves in the heat-death of a formerly passionate physical relationship, but the solution is not to go and pick up hookers (indeed, picking up a hooker is usually the START of a guy’s troubles rather than the end.) Both parties would be better off if they actually addressed the problem and listened to each other’s perspectives on it. He might get mad at the hypothetical lady for “playing head games” and not explicitly voicing her discontent, but ignoring the problem and seeking sex from someone else just widens the communication gap and makes things even worse. Using sex as a bargaining chip (as he assumes women routinely do for the sake of material or social gain) is a jerky thing to do, but coercing someone into sex by playing to their sense of obligation is straight-up bullying and can be a form of rape. It seems like, in his mind, every woman is Leslie Mann’s character from “Knocked Up,” which is both sad and unacceptable.
    That’s as far as my gender obligations take me, though. Beyond this point, I’ll leave him to the wolves.

  7. Wow, this guy has got some serious issues. If I was a father with adult daughters, I wouldn’t let them within 100 miles from men like him.

    Definitely sounds like a conceited, raving egotist thinking “it’s a man’s world, and women should be subservient to them”.

    Good to see that you exposed this absolute douchebag of a guy on your blog. 🙂

  8. I’m a random visitor that linked to this page via your OKcupid LOLz blog, or whatever it was.

    First off, I didn’t laugh once and I won’t be returning to check to see if you respond to this so don’t bother, it’s just for you to hear.

    You don’t seem like a nice person.

    You seem completely full of yourself, like you’re better than everyone else just because (I assume) you’re probably easy on the eyes. No I haven’t checked your profile and don’t really want to. Congratulations, you must be proud.

    You’re no different than the misogynist assholes you bitch about.

    Yes the above male specimen is not our finest example, but he’s no different than you. If you were truly above him, you wouldn’t have a blog making fun of people seemingly inferior to you. You wouldn’t cut people down just because you can.

    Ever considered it feels like shit when a girl shuts down a guy just because he hits on her? you realize that all these negative reactions you get from guys is because they are frustrated with bullshit females like you who give them when they’re just trying to find a date? I’m not talking about guys just looking for sex either. I’m talking about a regular average joe who messages you just wanting to get to know you. The fact you immediately judge and pre-rate him on his looks makes you no better than the mindless piece of shit above.

    Why don’t you try making people feel good about themselves for a change?

    • Not a single thing she’s said to him mentioned his looks. In fact, the only thing she could have done to be kinder is blur out his name. Online dating is hard for everyone. Almost every guy’s profile I’ve seen has “no fat chicks” on it. That’s judging before anyone ever messages you. It’s not unique to guys.

      Furthermore, nothing in this post says anything about all men being this way. It highlights one misogynist.

      Women are wary when men hit on them because of shit like this. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t politely turned down an advance and gotten called a bitch or a cunt. Not all guys do this, but you can certainly see why those interactions color our judgment.

      Everybody judges everybody- guys judging girls included. Guys who do things like the above are dicks. Girls who are unnecessarily nasty to men who they aren’t attracted to are bitches. However, there’s a huge grey area beyond those two groups you are ignoring.

  9. Very good that you posted this! I would have posted the multitude of degrading hate I received on that website from strangers (I no longer am using OKC, of course, just for the same reason I don’t dig in dumpsters)–but I deleted that garbage, as I do not wish to be exposed to it any extra time.

    Here’re my blogs about misogyny perpetuated by this website all the time:
    http://okcupidhateswomen.blogspot.com/
    http://okcupidhateswomen.blog.com

    I will not leave this alone!

  10. Well I have to agree with Jon, not everything but most of it. Before OKC I was confident in who I was, my looks and sense of humor….everything. After being on that site that is pretty much all shot to hell. Where before I could approach anyone I now evaluate what they look like, how their dressed and how im dressed and what environment were in. I picked 24 woman based on our match %, looks and what they were looking for based on what their profile said. I then made a generic icebreaker with something from their profile thrown in so they would know I read it. I tested this icebreaker on 3 female friends and changed it until they said it was right and then they checked it with some of their female friends and was good to go.
    out of those 24 woman not ONE messaged me back. NOT ONE! I waited 2 weeks and 16 of those 24 checked out my profile. OK, I went to a guys site in a different country, copied his photos and made another profile identical to mine…everything was the same except for the spelling of the screen name was off one letter. I messaged those same 16 woman with a the message, “Wow, ur hott, you look really good in that skirt, I cant stop thinking about you, u BETTER message me back 😉
    Well 15 of those woman wrote me back and 4 sent their phone numbers based off that message…LOL Now these are all woman in the 38 to 44 year old age range, some with degrees and a few even had in their profiles that if you use the words ur, hott etc…dont message them and they still messaged me back.

    So based on that data you women get what you deserve, oh poor you, all these men want you and message you, geez feel so bad for you…stop whining, its called a BLOCK button so USE it and move on already. You women get to pick and choose and you do it based on looks alone…you get your fix and then go about your day riding your high horse and when that starts to wane you go back to OKC, get your ego boost and then your off to the real world to treat us normal guys like shit…Thank You!

    • This “nice guy” paradox is frankly absurd. Women do not owe you anything- a response, consideration, or a phone number. Your tiny little experiment proves nothing about half the population. You even said- you judge women on their looks. You check out what they’re looking for. Why is it so absurd that a woman does the same? Women are deluged with messages on these sites- it’s completely reasonable for them to only start conversations with men they’re interested in, rather than having 100 conversations at once.

      I have no idea what you look like or are interested in. I can tell you that self pity and whining about how all the evil women are treating you badly is extremely unattractive. Yes, dating sucks. Dating sucks in its own special way for each gender. Women deal with sexual harassment, guys get ignored. Women get called terrible things and threatened for not reciprocating a guy’s affection, guys get lumped in with the worst of their gender. If you don’t want to online date, then don’t- but don’t denigrate all women because you feel you aren’t getting the attention you “deserve”,

  11. Pingback: #MenCallMeThings round-up at Purple NoiZe

  12. I recently had hate mail from a male on OKCupid. I had never seen his profile, or spoken to him before. So it really troubles and dissappoints me that OKCupid is allowing its female members this type of pain. I’m really thinking it’s not a company I can trust.

    If this man wrote to insult me out of the blue, he’s probably done it before to other ladies on the site, and like me, have reported him and blocked him. Yet, he’s still on the site making it more trashy. Trashy is not something I want to associate to when I’m looking for a good man to share my life with. Hey, kids, Daddy and I met on a trashy website, with a bunch of losers who were harasing mommy constantly. Doesn’t sound right to anyone normal, does it?

    And okcupid is now owned by match.com. it makes me wonder about match.com as well.

    People stop hatred, whether it is by race, sex, age, weight! There’s enough suffering in the world. Hatred and harasment cannot be tolerated under any circumstances. If you give in, the evil and ignorance wins. Complain, do not accept abuse!

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