Is your husband GAY?

From Christwire.org:

Is My Husband GAY?

Right now in America there are over 2 million couples secretly struggling with homosexuality in their marriages. Are you one of them? Are you having intimacy issues? Are you suspicious about your husband’s late night activities? Or are you oblivious to a problem that could be putting your health and the livelihood of your family at risk? Don’t tell yourself that you’re simply being paranoid without taking a closer look!

Did you realize so many couples were secretly struggling with homosexuality RIGHT NOW? “Drawing on the expertise of spiritual and medical professionals, Christwire has put together a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with homosexuality within a marriage.”  I originally wanted to go through these one by one … but I just don’t know if I can even manage it. It’s just too funny and too horrifying at the same time. I just. I can’t. Please let me know if these made you laugh or cry.

1. Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

2. Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

3. Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

4. Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

5. Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

6. Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

7. Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

8. More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

9. Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

10. Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

11. Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

12. Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websitesGlee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

13. Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

14. Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

15. Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

I think this list covers every gross and annoying stereotype and bigoted element of homophobia. Seriously – if you can think of one this list DOESN’T cover, let me know. I’m trying to choose a favorite phrase – it might have to be “sex bathhouses.” (Oh noes! Not sex bathhouses!)

Also, it puts forth some really disconcerting ideas about what hetero dating (sharing phone records and email accounts?) and masculinity (no public hair trimming or gossip websites, dudes!) should look like. And, of course, in true gender-police fashion, the author finds a way to blame women. Your husband is different than the traditional hyper-masculine ideal? Well, he’s probably gay and it’s your fault for choosing someone you could share activities and conversation with instead of a dudely, unkempt, sports-loving, vanilla, sperm factory. You silly women really need to get your priorities straight!

*Research credits for this post go to my good friend, Katherine.

*More research credits go to @itsdlevy for informing me that Christwire is a parody site. (Phew! – But oh, how sad is it that I assumed it was for serious? Can you really blame me considering the fact that people like Sharron Angle really exist?)

4 thoughts on “Is your husband GAY?

  1. These should be added to the list, I think. Just to smoke out all the homosexuals:
    1) masturbates alone and is embarrassed to be walked in on
    2) enjoys sports, particularly multiple sports – this makes him seem more hetero and acts as a cover
    3) loves chocolate, particularly when upset – a feminine quality
    4) drinks diet soda – is worried about his weight…like a woman
    5) brushes his teeth – being overtly worried about the health and beauty of teeth is a known homosexual quality

  2. Sharron Angle sounds like a very sad woman .

    I’ve heard of Christian fundamentalism..heck, I used to be one till I was about 20..but I never heard anything about God forbidding a certain color!

  3. Actually, I worked in a bookstore and the number of men with their wives/dates/girlfriends who did doubletakes to watch men was alarming.
    Maybe the ‘signs’ posted above were true for some women; it’s all about context. If a man who was never interested in dressing trendy suddenly develops a desire to do so that’s troubling,especially if those trends are popular among young gay men.

    • The two give away signs I’ve noticed are the husband’s willingness,even eagerness to discuss marital sex with perfect strangers, and the tendency of strong women who are afraid they’ll be curbed at marriage,to marry men who are more feminine than they are.

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